Me and jacOb had much fun. But I wasent entertained by him. I felt bOred in sOme kinda way with him, that made me nOt want tO see him really. SOo we cOol'd it dOwn and tOok a break. SOo wit my head still wrapped in the game and On my prawl. [I gOt the thinking that . . .] I wasn't that niggas girlfriend sOo I had the right tO gO Out and search again fOr whatever I sOo please.
By this time its secOnd semester in my secOnd year in cOllege. And I gOt new classes and new buddies. [:-D]
SOo next On the list
Is . . .
DERELL!!!
I had the audasity tO take an acting class. That was @ 6:3Oa class. All bc "B" cOusin wanted me tO take it with him. SmH, never again I thOught tO myself. The Only gOod thing abOut that damn class is that we had a lOt Of fun grOup activities Outside. And by the time we gOt Outside tO dO the activities it was already 7:3Oa. But there was this One day we went Out and did a grOup activity and I saw this guy that lOwkey lOoked like T.I. But he had hazel eyes. And u knO when u catch the eye Of sOmeOne u knOw Of but don't knO persOnally ur gOnna try tOo keep catchin they eye. And see the crazy thing abOut me is that I'm always dOwn fOr meeting a new friend. [Wink, wink] I'm always dOwn fOr tryin new ish. Haha.
Anyways, fOr a whOole week i wOuld see him at the same time walkin in the same directiOn. Til finally One day we didn't have a grOup activity but I had tO gO tO the bathrOom [;-)]. I left class at excatly 7:3Oa and he was walkin rt pass my class rOom. [Smh, the thOughts that I had in my mind was OutragOus] sOo I gOt bOld and said "hi, derell" then what flipped me Out next was the statement he said after that "hellO, tiffani" he said. I must Of flipped my lid. Cause i hOnestly didn't knO he knew my name.
[Okay fOlks, let me make sure u guys are clear. I'm a 2O year Old sOphmOre flirtin wit
a 18 year Old freshman. Haha]
SOo days went by and we wOuld talk, until One day he came Over because he fOund Out that I lived clOse by his friend. [Ha! Rrriiiggghhhttt!] we chilled and watched a mOvie. And BAM!!! We started kiss'n. This muthafucca really knew hOw tOo kiss me tOo. NOt tOo rOugh and nOt tOo sOft. SOo frOm then On I knew that's hOw I wanted tO be kissed. NOn the less this niggas dick was muchO big. :-) but I knew I wasent gOnna back dOwn. [My mOtO: always try sOmething @ least Once. If u don't like it juss thrOw it away. Ha!] anyways we was fuckin like crazy. Everyday after class we was sOmewhere fuckin. And the funny thing abOut it was we wOuld still see eachOther every mOrning and still say "hi" like we didn't knOw we were gOnna be fuckin in like 15m anyways. Lol.
SOo thru all that I started meetin the dudes he hung arOund. OMG. U wouldn't believe whO caught my eye. . .
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
The stOry abOut JacOb. hmmm.
Well, there was this guy and his name was "B" [we'll juss say that fOr censOring thru Out this reading :o)] and man I guess u can say that we were in lOve. I mean we were never apart. Waited fOr eachOther after class. We tOok the same bus rOutes. Haha. AnywhO we was tOgether pretty lOng. But lets be hOnest, behind all that make-up is an ugly face. I mean we wasent really all the happy.
Ok, sO a mOnth b4 all this was figured Out I talked tO a guy whO's name was "D" [censOring name :o)] yOu knO a girls gOtta have a back up plan. Ha! Anyways B and D played On the same basketball team. They didn't really like eachOther. Blah! [Don't lOok @ me like that I wasent technically cheating and D knew I was dating B :o(] sOo lets zOom further ahead when me and B decided tO break it Off.
SOo we brOke it Off. And right after I did that I called D I went tO see him and we fucked, he was my first real fuck and I'd have tO say that I didn't like it. I actually hated it. Anyways, B fOund Out and slander'd my name all Over myspace. [SOo, embarassing] callin me the names in the bOok. I mean he didn't use my real name nOt One time in the whOooole blOg. SmH. He filped Out cause they was On the same team. I'm like blah. Blah. Blah. Anyways!!!
SOo since I was single I surely ready tO migle. I was 2O @ this age. Wasent a virgin but I wasent gettin it like I shOuld. I was On the prawl fOr gOod, lOng, thick, black, DICK! [Yea, I said it girl DICK :O)] and bOy was my jOurney a delightful One. [Hmm.] I've ran acrOss a jOurney Of dick. FrOm lOng, shOrt, skinny, way tOo big, tO just perfect.
SOo the first nigga I wanna intrOduce u tOo On my timeline Of black men that can and cannOt fuck!
Is . . .
JACOB!!!
Man, he was the first nigga I ran up tOo after that whOle fiascO wit ex #1 B went dOwn. Truthfully/hOnestly I met him Off myspace and we bOth went tO the same schOol. We actually, had a few classes clOse by eachOther sOo when we chatted On myspace we wOuld try tO figure Out whO we were b4 actually have'n a actual meet date. Hahah! It was actually funny because we was really try'n figure Out whO we were. Anyways, that didnt last tO lOng until we actually set a date. Haha we met and juss started bustin up cause we've seen eachOther everyday. But turn away when we get that eye cOntact. [SOo, 7th grade] sOo we chilled. FOund Out we had a grip in cOmmOn. And we lOved that. We lOved that we bOth didn't want a relatiOnship, but we really wanted tO have fun.
SOo, Our first encOunter was @ my hOuse. Okay we was bOth stallin fOr a lil bit. It was crazy hahah. But Once we started kissin and rubbin :o) it was all dOwn hill frOm there. That nigga tOok me tO a whOle Other wOrld. I felt like u was On anOther planet. Hahaha.
We was dOin stuff in the pOrns we wOuld sneak tO watch. There was One pOsitiOn he wOuld dO when he was hittin it frOm the back and he had me in a lOwkey chOke hOld. Hahaha. SmH. That SHIT was the bOmb. That shit made me gO crazy. SOo I decided tOo try sOmething I saw in One Of them pOrns, and that was suckin dick. [OMG,Yessss, I said dick. Lol] sOo I went dOwn On him all sexy. U knO I started kiss in him and then his neck went dOwn tO his chest and was givin sOft mOist kisses. Cause sOmeOne being a jerk tOld me that I had DSL's @ the time I didn't knO what it meant but I asked JACOB. And he tOld me I had Dick Sucking Lips. Hahah sOo I put the tOo use. And as far as it being my first time I HATED IT. Cause @ 2O I wanted tO dO the whOle nine I wanted tO dO the whOle sexual experience. Where I can lOose my ass in a wOrld Of lust and emtiOns. Hahaha. [What a fairy tale] sOo fOr almOst year we juss fucked and I never put my mOuth On him. SOoo sOon Our sexual experience gOt bOring. BOring. BOring. [SmH] . . .
We had fun but . . .
Ok, sO a mOnth b4 all this was figured Out I talked tO a guy whO's name was "D" [censOring name :o)] yOu knO a girls gOtta have a back up plan. Ha! Anyways B and D played On the same basketball team. They didn't really like eachOther. Blah! [Don't lOok @ me like that I wasent technically cheating and D knew I was dating B :o(] sOo lets zOom further ahead when me and B decided tO break it Off.
SOo we brOke it Off. And right after I did that I called D I went tO see him and we fucked, he was my first real fuck and I'd have tO say that I didn't like it. I actually hated it. Anyways, B fOund Out and slander'd my name all Over myspace. [SOo, embarassing] callin me the names in the bOok. I mean he didn't use my real name nOt One time in the whOooole blOg. SmH. He filped Out cause they was On the same team. I'm like blah. Blah. Blah. Anyways!!!
SOo since I was single I surely ready tO migle. I was 2O @ this age. Wasent a virgin but I wasent gettin it like I shOuld. I was On the prawl fOr gOod, lOng, thick, black, DICK! [Yea, I said it girl DICK :O)] and bOy was my jOurney a delightful One. [Hmm.] I've ran acrOss a jOurney Of dick. FrOm lOng, shOrt, skinny, way tOo big, tO just perfect.
SOo the first nigga I wanna intrOduce u tOo On my timeline Of black men that can and cannOt fuck!
Is . . .
JACOB!!!
Man, he was the first nigga I ran up tOo after that whOle fiascO wit ex #1 B went dOwn. Truthfully/hOnestly I met him Off myspace and we bOth went tO the same schOol. We actually, had a few classes clOse by eachOther sOo when we chatted On myspace we wOuld try tO figure Out whO we were b4 actually have'n a actual meet date. Hahah! It was actually funny because we was really try'n figure Out whO we were. Anyways, that didnt last tO lOng until we actually set a date. Haha we met and juss started bustin up cause we've seen eachOther everyday. But turn away when we get that eye cOntact. [SOo, 7th grade] sOo we chilled. FOund Out we had a grip in cOmmOn. And we lOved that. We lOved that we bOth didn't want a relatiOnship, but we really wanted tO have fun.
SOo, Our first encOunter was @ my hOuse. Okay we was bOth stallin fOr a lil bit. It was crazy hahah. But Once we started kissin and rubbin :o) it was all dOwn hill frOm there. That nigga tOok me tO a whOle Other wOrld. I felt like u was On anOther planet. Hahaha.
We was dOin stuff in the pOrns we wOuld sneak tO watch. There was One pOsitiOn he wOuld dO when he was hittin it frOm the back and he had me in a lOwkey chOke hOld. Hahaha. SmH. That SHIT was the bOmb. That shit made me gO crazy. SOo I decided tOo try sOmething I saw in One Of them pOrns, and that was suckin dick. [OMG,Yessss, I said dick. Lol] sOo I went dOwn On him all sexy. U knO I started kiss in him and then his neck went dOwn tO his chest and was givin sOft mOist kisses. Cause sOmeOne being a jerk tOld me that I had DSL's @ the time I didn't knO what it meant but I asked JACOB. And he tOld me I had Dick Sucking Lips. Hahah sOo I put the tOo use. And as far as it being my first time I HATED IT. Cause @ 2O I wanted tO dO the whOle nine I wanted tO dO the whOle sexual experience. Where I can lOose my ass in a wOrld Of lust and emtiOns. Hahaha. [What a fairy tale] sOo fOr almOst year we juss fucked and I never put my mOuth On him. SOoo sOon Our sexual experience gOt bOring. BOring. BOring. [SmH] . . .
We had fun but . . .
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
The day my nightmare turned intO reality.
U knO there's a time in ur life where u juss can't take the same Ol same Ol anymOre. Where u juss wanna hear and see sOme difference.
Well april 2nd was the day. I Opened the stOre as Offical keyhOlder. I felt truely blessed that they wOuld even ask an african american like me. @ that time I thOught the next step in my future is tOo file fOr child suppOrt sOo On april 8th I did juss that. Physically It was the hardest thing fOr me but mentally I knew I was gOnna dO it. And even thO me and derek are friends, the main cOncern is the well-being Of Our sOn. And I clearly can't dO it On my Own [I've tried] he tells me he's leavin fOr the air fOrce after his birthday but a lil part Of me feels that he's lie'n. I mean if u can vanish fOr 5 1/2 mOnths with nO update On ur where abOuts while sOmeOne is pregnant wit ur child, Or if u ask them if there's sOmeOne else and they tell u NO and the u find Out that while he was gOne fOr the 5 1/2 mOnths he was fuckin sOmeOne else the same time he was fuckin u. Yeh, I don't think u wOuld believe them either.
This situatiOn wOuld be sOo different if he wanted tO be wit me but its clear that he doesn't and that's fine. I'm nOt gOnna chase after anyOne anymOre. SOo imma juss chase after what I knOw is rt fOr my sOn. I mean I'm sOo brOke I can barely buy my sOn his diapers and wipes. SmH. And that breaks me everytime. SOo he thinks that he can cOme dOwn here whenever he wants and visits his sOn, while I'm stugglin and wOrkin massively hard tOo survive. That shit breaks me. I hOnestly feel is nOt fair. SOoo On april 8th after I filed fOr CS I went ahead and text'd him and tOld him tO cancel his trip dOwn here cause I wasent in the mOod tOo see him be happy while I'm nOt!. My sOn is my life. My sOn is my wOrld. Next tO GOd he's the air I breath and the reasOn I wOrk as hard as I dO. If sOmeOne jepOrdizes the fOod that cOmes Out my sOns mOuth then I have tO take actiOns accOrdingly.
Filing fOr child suppOrt was nOt in my ultimate plan. But if u have givin sOmeOne 5 1/2 mOnths b4 the birth and 5 mOnths after the birth fOr them tOo get their act tOgether and they hadent yet. WHAT'S LEFT FOR U TO DO?? I try tO be cOrgial but I'm nOt gOnna lie tha fact that he was fuckin sOmeOne else while fuckin me fuckin brOke my heart! LOve is a very bad drug and I'm n rehab. My heart has be ripped tO streads by him. I mean think abOut it. He really wasent there @ ALL durning my pregnancy. He aint helpin me wit Our kid. And I mean if I can't feel any lOwer I see pictures Of them tOgether all Over myspace.
SmH
There's a thin line between lOve and hate. And I'm walkin that line tOwards hate. I've never been sOo pissed Off at anyOne like this. I stay in my zOne and that's it. The desire fOr his sOn tO be well taken care Of shOuld be his main strive tO grind juss as hard as I am. But if it was juss them twO On an island and there was Only One cOcanut left that nigga wOuld eat it first b4 even Offering his sOn any. And that's a damn shame! I don't eat sOme nights juss tOo save my cash. I KEEP SAYIN IN MY MIND he's changed and things will get better. But this muthafucca den gOt cOmfOrtable where he's @. Gettin what he wants when he wants it. Well guess what I'm NOt that type Of chick I have tO wOrk fOr everything I don't have and that's the type Of man jay will be. SOmeOne that won't depend On everyOne and hustle and grind tO get what he wants. He won't and will nOt be a spOiled brat! I refuse!!
Well april 2nd was the day. I Opened the stOre as Offical keyhOlder. I felt truely blessed that they wOuld even ask an african american like me. @ that time I thOught the next step in my future is tOo file fOr child suppOrt sOo On april 8th I did juss that. Physically It was the hardest thing fOr me but mentally I knew I was gOnna dO it. And even thO me and derek are friends, the main cOncern is the well-being Of Our sOn. And I clearly can't dO it On my Own [I've tried] he tells me he's leavin fOr the air fOrce after his birthday but a lil part Of me feels that he's lie'n. I mean if u can vanish fOr 5 1/2 mOnths with nO update On ur where abOuts while sOmeOne is pregnant wit ur child, Or if u ask them if there's sOmeOne else and they tell u NO and the u find Out that while he was gOne fOr the 5 1/2 mOnths he was fuckin sOmeOne else the same time he was fuckin u. Yeh, I don't think u wOuld believe them either.
This situatiOn wOuld be sOo different if he wanted tO be wit me but its clear that he doesn't and that's fine. I'm nOt gOnna chase after anyOne anymOre. SOo imma juss chase after what I knOw is rt fOr my sOn. I mean I'm sOo brOke I can barely buy my sOn his diapers and wipes. SmH. And that breaks me everytime. SOo he thinks that he can cOme dOwn here whenever he wants and visits his sOn, while I'm stugglin and wOrkin massively hard tOo survive. That shit breaks me. I hOnestly feel is nOt fair. SOoo On april 8th after I filed fOr CS I went ahead and text'd him and tOld him tO cancel his trip dOwn here cause I wasent in the mOod tOo see him be happy while I'm nOt!. My sOn is my life. My sOn is my wOrld. Next tO GOd he's the air I breath and the reasOn I wOrk as hard as I dO. If sOmeOne jepOrdizes the fOod that cOmes Out my sOns mOuth then I have tO take actiOns accOrdingly.
Filing fOr child suppOrt was nOt in my ultimate plan. But if u have givin sOmeOne 5 1/2 mOnths b4 the birth and 5 mOnths after the birth fOr them tOo get their act tOgether and they hadent yet. WHAT'S LEFT FOR U TO DO?? I try tO be cOrgial but I'm nOt gOnna lie tha fact that he was fuckin sOmeOne else while fuckin me fuckin brOke my heart! LOve is a very bad drug and I'm n rehab. My heart has be ripped tO streads by him. I mean think abOut it. He really wasent there @ ALL durning my pregnancy. He aint helpin me wit Our kid. And I mean if I can't feel any lOwer I see pictures Of them tOgether all Over myspace.
SmH
There's a thin line between lOve and hate. And I'm walkin that line tOwards hate. I've never been sOo pissed Off at anyOne like this. I stay in my zOne and that's it. The desire fOr his sOn tO be well taken care Of shOuld be his main strive tO grind juss as hard as I am. But if it was juss them twO On an island and there was Only One cOcanut left that nigga wOuld eat it first b4 even Offering his sOn any. And that's a damn shame! I don't eat sOme nights juss tOo save my cash. I KEEP SAYIN IN MY MIND he's changed and things will get better. But this muthafucca den gOt cOmfOrtable where he's @. Gettin what he wants when he wants it. Well guess what I'm NOt that type Of chick I have tO wOrk fOr everything I don't have and that's the type Of man jay will be. SOmeOne that won't depend On everyOne and hustle and grind tO get what he wants. He won't and will nOt be a spOiled brat! I refuse!!
Friday, March 27, 2009
when it hurts by avant
can u take me telling you the truth when i know the situation looks shady
believe me when i say i knew that u would be trippin soo sllipped out in my ride in the driveway soo before we get into something we dont need to get into (im gonna need ur undivided attention, cause its fantasy and reality)
baby which one are we living in?
when it hurts will we still be, the same two lovers all over eachother.
when it hurts will we still see, why we got together, promise that we'd never be temporary (uh huh) ordinary (uh huh)
we should change the definations ppl of love.
soo forget what u heard
the only way that this will work is to love me when it hurts.
** these are my favorite two verses of this song, i mean dont get me wrong this whole damn song hits my soul like an arrow. i mean when it hurts are u gonna still love me? or are u gonna walk away wit no answers to any of ur questions.
cause honestly anything worth havin is really worth fighting for.
believe me when i say i knew that u would be trippin soo sllipped out in my ride in the driveway soo before we get into something we dont need to get into (im gonna need ur undivided attention, cause its fantasy and reality)
baby which one are we living in?
when it hurts will we still be, the same two lovers all over eachother.
when it hurts will we still see, why we got together, promise that we'd never be temporary (uh huh) ordinary (uh huh)
we should change the definations ppl of love.
soo forget what u heard
the only way that this will work is to love me when it hurts.
** these are my favorite two verses of this song, i mean dont get me wrong this whole damn song hits my soul like an arrow. i mean when it hurts are u gonna still love me? or are u gonna walk away wit no answers to any of ur questions.
cause honestly anything worth havin is really worth fighting for.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
U gOt it BAD!!!!!!!!!!!
Ugh! NOw this sOng by usher is really hittin hOme fOr me.
LOve is One strOng emOtiOn and its hOnest that u juss can't turn it On Or Off. I mean shhheeessshhh there has been nights where I've called and I wOuld hang up cause I wOuld lOse my whOle thOught and I wOuld instantly get nervOus abOut talkin tO him. Ha! SIMP IS WHAT U CAN CALL ME!
Even still almOst 2 yrs later I still get nervOus. I'd still try tOo avOid callin him cause I hate ackward silence. What can I say when u find sOmeOne that gives u chills then that's hOw u act. All u want tO dO is impress them and make them like u mOre than they dO already.
Its a hOrrible nOw that I think abOut it. Cause ur heart really gets brOken and strange things cOme Out Of that.
I mean lOok @ lauren hill the mOst talented in the game @ her time. PhenOmoenal musician. She gOt her heart brOken and nOw she's sOo far gOne she turned her back On the music. She turned her back On the Ones [me] that needed her music. Her music be pullin me Out. NOw I'm stuck where she @. But that's what a brOkenheart dOes tO u. It makes u wanna dO stupid ish.
Happines is truely my sanity is sOo tru tO me. And I think I won't stOp until I get it. And I fall intO this "I'll settle fOr anyOne that makes me happy" attitude and there's where I fall @.
Ugh! Its clear I gOt it bad. SmH
LOve is One strOng emOtiOn and its hOnest that u juss can't turn it On Or Off. I mean shhheeessshhh there has been nights where I've called and I wOuld hang up cause I wOuld lOse my whOle thOught and I wOuld instantly get nervOus abOut talkin tO him. Ha! SIMP IS WHAT U CAN CALL ME!
Even still almOst 2 yrs later I still get nervOus. I'd still try tOo avOid callin him cause I hate ackward silence. What can I say when u find sOmeOne that gives u chills then that's hOw u act. All u want tO dO is impress them and make them like u mOre than they dO already.
Its a hOrrible nOw that I think abOut it. Cause ur heart really gets brOken and strange things cOme Out Of that.
I mean lOok @ lauren hill the mOst talented in the game @ her time. PhenOmoenal musician. She gOt her heart brOken and nOw she's sOo far gOne she turned her back On the music. She turned her back On the Ones [me] that needed her music. Her music be pullin me Out. NOw I'm stuck where she @. But that's what a brOkenheart dOes tO u. It makes u wanna dO stupid ish.
Happines is truely my sanity is sOo tru tO me. And I think I won't stOp until I get it. And I fall intO this "I'll settle fOr anyOne that makes me happy" attitude and there's where I fall @.
Ugh! Its clear I gOt it bad. SmH
Monday, March 23, 2009
RnB is the music tO my life . . .
I'm trippin cause these rnb sOngs tOday relate tO me in sOo many ways. Ugh! Its a trip cause the sOng "trust" by keyshia cOle and mOnica. I swear that sOng is a seriOus feeling I'm feeling rt nOw. I juss want him tO be able tO trust me and knO that its wit him I'm tryna be true and faithful tOo.
"Have my baby" by llyOd. Old jam but shit I mean that's enOugh said. Haha. I mean damn!
I be singin alOng and really be feelin it cause that's hOw I be feeling. Lol
"COme Over" by estelle and sean paul. That ish is a hOt/chill jOint. Very sexy. I mean cOme Over sOo I can shOw u what u been missin. Isn't that what she's really sayin? Ha! I wanna be able tO juss tell a nigga that and see what he dO. Oh wait I did. And I was still by myself that night. Hahah shame! Its kOo thO! [:-D]
"Treat u gOod" by llOyd. Nuff said rt? This nigga keeps it real and gets tOo the pOint. Can u say bOut his?? Ha! I'm dOwn wit this nigga.
OMG. SOo I went tO my hOmebOys hOuse tO blOw sOmething in the air and chill and wOrk On sOme music.. Ummmm I gOt a lil crush On him. Hahahah. Okay sOo clearly the way tO my heart is thru my music and ur music. And his music is hOt like fiaaaaaa!
I'm drOwnin in the pOol Of sexy talented men. Hahaha
Off tO wOrk I gO! Thanks fOr reading.
"Have my baby" by llyOd. Old jam but shit I mean that's enOugh said. Haha. I mean damn!
I be singin alOng and really be feelin it cause that's hOw I be feeling. Lol
"COme Over" by estelle and sean paul. That ish is a hOt/chill jOint. Very sexy. I mean cOme Over sOo I can shOw u what u been missin. Isn't that what she's really sayin? Ha! I wanna be able tO juss tell a nigga that and see what he dO. Oh wait I did. And I was still by myself that night. Hahah shame! Its kOo thO! [:-D]
"Treat u gOod" by llOyd. Nuff said rt? This nigga keeps it real and gets tOo the pOint. Can u say bOut his?? Ha! I'm dOwn wit this nigga.
OMG. SOo I went tO my hOmebOys hOuse tO blOw sOmething in the air and chill and wOrk On sOme music.. Ummmm I gOt a lil crush On him. Hahahah. Okay sOo clearly the way tO my heart is thru my music and ur music. And his music is hOt like fiaaaaaa!
I'm drOwnin in the pOol Of sexy talented men. Hahaha
Off tO wOrk I gO! Thanks fOr reading.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
wOnder y I even dO it tO myself. . .
I'm stuck between a rOck and hard place.
I can't seem tO find myself, cause I'm always cOncern'd abOut hOw I make ppl feel.
Y I dO the ish I dO. Is Only because Of my sOn and his well being is the Only thing that I'm cOncern'd abOut.
But the failure tO disrepect me and tO let sOmeOne else disrespect me has tO stOp. I cOnstently argue wit myself because I'm wOrried that sOon imma settle fOr anything.
I knO what I want. He knOws he's wat I want. SOo if there's sOmeOne that's willing tO give u all Of them and willing tO step Outside themselves tO satisfy u, why wOuld u ignOre that? Why wOuld waste their time and give them false hOpe?
Y make them feel like their the Only One? When u knO that their nOt!
What's mOre embarrassing abOut the situatiOn is that u sit and wOnder what they are saying tO them tO make them want tO keep gOin back tO them.
Are they talkin negative abOut u, because they knO if they talk pOsitive abOut u then they'll feel really bad because they knO that ur the Only One that will sit and take ur shit. They knO that ur the Only One that lOves ur flaws juss as much as ur talents and ur ambitiOns. That even if they didn't want u tO dO Or gO sOmewhere that they will still suppOrt u nO matter what.
Ugh! I don't even knO why I put myself thrOugh it! I don't knO why I sit and actually wait fOr his call, like he really is gOnna call like he says he is.
There's sOo much ish I can't even explain. Because the Old tiffani nicole is clearly gOne. And I don't understand where she went. The crazy thing is I don't knO if her being gOne is fOr the gOod Or the bad. Ugh! What is there fOr me tO dO but pray and I'm lOst really I am. I juss really want tO be happy! DAMN I'M INTITLED TO THAT RIGHT?
I can't seem tO find myself, cause I'm always cOncern'd abOut hOw I make ppl feel.
Y I dO the ish I dO. Is Only because Of my sOn and his well being is the Only thing that I'm cOncern'd abOut.
But the failure tO disrepect me and tO let sOmeOne else disrespect me has tO stOp. I cOnstently argue wit myself because I'm wOrried that sOon imma settle fOr anything.
I knO what I want. He knOws he's wat I want. SOo if there's sOmeOne that's willing tO give u all Of them and willing tO step Outside themselves tO satisfy u, why wOuld u ignOre that? Why wOuld waste their time and give them false hOpe?
Y make them feel like their the Only One? When u knO that their nOt!
What's mOre embarrassing abOut the situatiOn is that u sit and wOnder what they are saying tO them tO make them want tO keep gOin back tO them.
Are they talkin negative abOut u, because they knO if they talk pOsitive abOut u then they'll feel really bad because they knO that ur the Only One that will sit and take ur shit. They knO that ur the Only One that lOves ur flaws juss as much as ur talents and ur ambitiOns. That even if they didn't want u tO dO Or gO sOmewhere that they will still suppOrt u nO matter what.
Ugh! I don't even knO why I put myself thrOugh it! I don't knO why I sit and actually wait fOr his call, like he really is gOnna call like he says he is.
There's sOo much ish I can't even explain. Because the Old tiffani nicole is clearly gOne. And I don't understand where she went. The crazy thing is I don't knO if her being gOne is fOr the gOod Or the bad. Ugh! What is there fOr me tO dO but pray and I'm lOst really I am. I juss really want tO be happy! DAMN I'M INTITLED TO THAT RIGHT?
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Were building . . . ?!
What does that mean exactly?? what does "tiff, were building right now" mean?!
tonight i had one of the best convo's with my BD. we actually talked about ish. had a decent conversation. shared how we really felt about some ish.
but the one thing that really caught my ear was that "tiff, were building right now"
Over this past year, ive tried to really think about what ive done to make him not really like me anymore. or why he was sooo mad at me. when i got preggo things changed sooo much between us. partially because we barely knew eachother and now we were bringing someone else into the world. i soon found out that he was dating someone else. but since we were NOT together i could only tell him how i felt in a baby momma kinda way. lol
Overall i felt disrespected because i felt that i was willing to try to work it out and make something happen out of it but he clearly wasent.
time has passed and our son is 4 months old. sooo we talk and then he tells me "tiff, were building." i juss dont understand. i mean i love him with all my heart but i dont get it?! i dont understand how we are building if hes dating someone else.
wouldnt that confuse to as well??
i mean i juss dont understand i juss dont get why date anyone else if ur tryna make it work with me and you. ugh! im ultimatly frustrated. but its koo tho. lol.
tonight i had one of the best convo's with my BD. we actually talked about ish. had a decent conversation. shared how we really felt about some ish.
but the one thing that really caught my ear was that "tiff, were building right now"
Over this past year, ive tried to really think about what ive done to make him not really like me anymore. or why he was sooo mad at me. when i got preggo things changed sooo much between us. partially because we barely knew eachother and now we were bringing someone else into the world. i soon found out that he was dating someone else. but since we were NOT together i could only tell him how i felt in a baby momma kinda way. lol
Overall i felt disrespected because i felt that i was willing to try to work it out and make something happen out of it but he clearly wasent.
time has passed and our son is 4 months old. sooo we talk and then he tells me "tiff, were building." i juss dont understand. i mean i love him with all my heart but i dont get it?! i dont understand how we are building if hes dating someone else.
wouldnt that confuse to as well??
i mean i juss dont understand i juss dont get why date anyone else if ur tryna make it work with me and you. ugh! im ultimatly frustrated. but its koo tho. lol.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Y i blog.
i guess i should write a blog that explains why i blog. and why i express the way i do.
thru the whole 22 years of my life i have gone thru sooo much, i cant even explain it all.
ppl that know me know that writing is the only way i can get all that i need to get out and really show my real expression.
i stay in my zone. with my music. so i feel that if i juss express myself on paper or on the internet then a really good deep song will come out of this.
my joy is my son. and no matter how much i fight it my sons father is who i want. ugh!!!!
sooo they are my amuse' they are who i write about and why i write about them.
they make the tru tiffani nicole come out. weather or not ppl like it. im all about being real. and i feel like these blogs are juss as real as it gets.
i smile because i woke up this morning. i smile because my son smiles back. i smile because me and my sons father are friends again.
there are days that are downfalls for me. but shit who doesnt have a bad day? but thru my bad day is creativity, is uniquness, and i dont make excuses for my bad days i make memories. i make my life better i never dwell on what is not needed to be dwelled on.
soo if you wanted to know thats why i blog. and i enjoy it. i mean i blog about other ish but those two are my main reasons.
thru the whole 22 years of my life i have gone thru sooo much, i cant even explain it all.
ppl that know me know that writing is the only way i can get all that i need to get out and really show my real expression.
i stay in my zone. with my music. so i feel that if i juss express myself on paper or on the internet then a really good deep song will come out of this.
my joy is my son. and no matter how much i fight it my sons father is who i want. ugh!!!!
sooo they are my amuse' they are who i write about and why i write about them.
they make the tru tiffani nicole come out. weather or not ppl like it. im all about being real. and i feel like these blogs are juss as real as it gets.
i smile because i woke up this morning. i smile because my son smiles back. i smile because me and my sons father are friends again.
there are days that are downfalls for me. but shit who doesnt have a bad day? but thru my bad day is creativity, is uniquness, and i dont make excuses for my bad days i make memories. i make my life better i never dwell on what is not needed to be dwelled on.
soo if you wanted to know thats why i blog. and i enjoy it. i mean i blog about other ish but those two are my main reasons.
out with the new in with the OLD...
its crazy how the world is. and how the LORD allows ur emotions to take a turn for the worst or the best depending on the situation.
i was in one of the best relationships i could ever dream about but clearly that wasent who i was suppose to be with. but why is it that when u find urself really happy theres someone that comes back into ur life and changes everything?? lucky for me EX ot the vibe and ended b4 i did. for the second time. blah!
the good thing is, me and my sons father is workin things out. not in a relationship manner but juss in general. were friends again and i cant complain.
hes honestly showing me the guy i fell in love with when i met him. crazy how it works.
i thought i was in love with my ex again and i really thought it would work. but he has issues he needs to deal with and i clearly have issues that i need to deal with. but the fact that he didnt want to deal with them together and juss run away again, thats what clearly let me know that i cant do this anymore. i cant keep jumpin back n fourth and puttin myself on that emotional rollercoster.
lifes what u make of it, and i choose to make my life an experience i'll never forget.
i was in one of the best relationships i could ever dream about but clearly that wasent who i was suppose to be with. but why is it that when u find urself really happy theres someone that comes back into ur life and changes everything?? lucky for me EX ot the vibe and ended b4 i did. for the second time. blah!
the good thing is, me and my sons father is workin things out. not in a relationship manner but juss in general. were friends again and i cant complain.
hes honestly showing me the guy i fell in love with when i met him. crazy how it works.
i thought i was in love with my ex again and i really thought it would work. but he has issues he needs to deal with and i clearly have issues that i need to deal with. but the fact that he didnt want to deal with them together and juss run away again, thats what clearly let me know that i cant do this anymore. i cant keep jumpin back n fourth and puttin myself on that emotional rollercoster.
lifes what u make of it, and i choose to make my life an experience i'll never forget.
Keri Hilson has really made herself look like...
A DAMN FOOL!!!
that heffa got the nerve to knock the ones that helped her get where shes at. whats the point?? the last time i checked my president is BLACK. wheres the unity?
like i told my homegirl jacks how u hate on the ones that made u wanna come out. u wrote for them and u helped them with cause but why hate on them because they songs is number one and urs hasent even hit the charts??? wwwwhhhhhyyyy?!
as a musically inclined lady thats try'n to get out in the industry u have to have humilty and knock ya oride out the window and work to where u need to go. u aint ever heard beyonce and ciara on any remix dissin the ones that wrote for them sooo why put yaself out there to make the world see u as such. when u have to step on the heads of the ones thats helping you then ur no good. and no good comes out of ur music. in my opinion.
i think this remix in my opinion has tamper'd with the perception she was givin off when she came out wit her first single.
shame on u KERI. u lost a fan!
that heffa got the nerve to knock the ones that helped her get where shes at. whats the point?? the last time i checked my president is BLACK. wheres the unity?
like i told my homegirl jacks how u hate on the ones that made u wanna come out. u wrote for them and u helped them with cause but why hate on them because they songs is number one and urs hasent even hit the charts??? wwwwhhhhhyyyy?!
as a musically inclined lady thats try'n to get out in the industry u have to have humilty and knock ya oride out the window and work to where u need to go. u aint ever heard beyonce and ciara on any remix dissin the ones that wrote for them sooo why put yaself out there to make the world see u as such. when u have to step on the heads of the ones thats helping you then ur no good. and no good comes out of ur music. in my opinion.
i think this remix in my opinion has tamper'd with the perception she was givin off when she came out wit her first single.
shame on u KERI. u lost a fan!
Friday, January 30, 2009
The Inaugeration, Obama makes change.
Man, January 20th, 2009 was the best day of my life next to me birthing my son.
ive never watched that much television in aday ever like how i did on the 2oth of jan. i didnt want to miss anything. and the lovely thing is Cnn got all of he footage so i couldnt miss anything.
it feels good to know that i was around to witness history being made. and that my son was born into the history as well. no matter how much ish i went thru in 08 it didnt matter anymore cause 09 was gonna be sooo much different. Obama speaks about "change" and i really believe that this time is goin to be different and there will be a dramatic wave of change. i mean our 44th president is a black man from chi-town. the change has already started.
i feel like the fight my ancestors fought 25 odd years ago. that battle is now over and WE won. we marched to the tallest mountain and we lost some ppl on the way but damnit majority of us is still good, andd we made it to the top. WE MADE IT TO THE TOP YALL. i feel motivated to really get back into school, to reach my highest potential to get to where i deserve to be. we finally have something to tell our kids when they get older that i stood in line for more than a hour, nad took my ballet and marked my ballet for Obama/Biden, and for the first time in my new 09 life i felt accomplished. i felt complete. like this was goin to be that step to make it rt for me and my child. since im a single mother i have to work twiceas hard juss soo i can prove to all the judgementals in my life that i can make it happen if i juss put my focus into it. and since my child is my main focus i know that i need to get on my grind harder than most.
Obama has given me that motivation to wait and anticipate the change. to juss be patience with him while he works it out. and i mean i cant argue with that, soo if i really want it to be rt i need to back my Prez up and roll with the punches. "i know theres a lite at the end of that tonell."
my heart is filled wit music and energy, and now the new addition Completion.
ive never watched that much television in aday ever like how i did on the 2oth of jan. i didnt want to miss anything. and the lovely thing is Cnn got all of he footage so i couldnt miss anything.
it feels good to know that i was around to witness history being made. and that my son was born into the history as well. no matter how much ish i went thru in 08 it didnt matter anymore cause 09 was gonna be sooo much different. Obama speaks about "change" and i really believe that this time is goin to be different and there will be a dramatic wave of change. i mean our 44th president is a black man from chi-town. the change has already started.
i feel like the fight my ancestors fought 25 odd years ago. that battle is now over and WE won. we marched to the tallest mountain and we lost some ppl on the way but damnit majority of us is still good, andd we made it to the top. WE MADE IT TO THE TOP YALL. i feel motivated to really get back into school, to reach my highest potential to get to where i deserve to be. we finally have something to tell our kids when they get older that i stood in line for more than a hour, nad took my ballet and marked my ballet for Obama/Biden, and for the first time in my new 09 life i felt accomplished. i felt complete. like this was goin to be that step to make it rt for me and my child. since im a single mother i have to work twiceas hard juss soo i can prove to all the judgementals in my life that i can make it happen if i juss put my focus into it. and since my child is my main focus i know that i need to get on my grind harder than most.
Obama has given me that motivation to wait and anticipate the change. to juss be patience with him while he works it out. and i mean i cant argue with that, soo if i really want it to be rt i need to back my Prez up and roll with the punches. "i know theres a lite at the end of that tonell."
my heart is filled wit music and energy, and now the new addition Completion.
you maybe young but your ready . . .
OMG YALL!!!
ya girl is back inlove. uuuggghhh!! i never thought it would have happend. and since im like head over hills for this guy, the song "you maybe young but your ready" keeps playing over and over in my head. ha! ive never been soo happy in my whole life time. is weird but i thought that i would only love my son's father but its clear to me that my happyness lies in the love i have now.
with him i can fly away and juss be me. he doesnt judge me cause the real me is who he's in love with. he doesnt ask me to change who i am which is the best mother i can be. he fell in love with my heart first then the rest of me.
the great thing is he accepts the fact that i have a baby and he welcomes me with open arms.
is it sad to say that i love him?? i hope not, cause im really leaning towards it.
ugh! this brings me great joy and hope for happyiness in the end.
ya girl is back inlove. uuuggghhh!! i never thought it would have happend. and since im like head over hills for this guy, the song "you maybe young but your ready" keeps playing over and over in my head. ha! ive never been soo happy in my whole life time. is weird but i thought that i would only love my son's father but its clear to me that my happyness lies in the love i have now.
with him i can fly away and juss be me. he doesnt judge me cause the real me is who he's in love with. he doesnt ask me to change who i am which is the best mother i can be. he fell in love with my heart first then the rest of me.
the great thing is he accepts the fact that i have a baby and he welcomes me with open arms.
is it sad to say that i love him?? i hope not, cause im really leaning towards it.
ugh! this brings me great joy and hope for happyiness in the end.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
when I cant get enough.
Ugh, why does love have to hurt so bad?
i think this is the first time in my life where im caught in between to loves and i cant decide where i wanna go.
i know in my last blog i said that u could only love one person but i mean, one i really loved b4 i even met my sons father. and there is my sons father.
the pros and cons about both guys is that with O he has his career set, money to make it, loves me a lot, but then the cons of him is that he loves me to much, where im his everything andd juss like sheree from real housewives of ATL says "i dont want to be anyones everything." and thats sooo tru! my life revolves around my son soo if i dont show him an ounce of lovin or affection then that can get in the way. he loves me soo much hes gonna move back to california and i dont know quite yet if im ready for that. BUT I DO LOVE HIM A WHOLE LOT. and everything that i have told him b4 this blog i meant every word.
the pro about D is that, hes very ambitious, has alot of goals, funny and very entertaing. loves his son, but i dont know about me. he says he does but then again ppl will say anything to get into the sack wit u right? i love this man more than my heart can keep pumpin blood. and that bad con is that he juss really doesnt see it. IM NOT HIS EVERYTHING. he told me that other night that he rather fucks wit me b4 anyone and im like why fucks wit anyone at all then? y fucks wit me and go straight to that other broad? especially when u know im weak and i'll give it to u whenever u need it. i know that down grading myself but im juss keeping it real with myself. i get so upset with him and im strong enough to cut him out of my life for like a few days maybe a week or two but then hes rt back calling me again and makin me laugh. he doesnt have his priorites straight but he needs to know that a family for our son is wats really needed. and that im ready and willing to be there for him when he needs it. ugh!
WHEN I CANT GET ENOUGH.
what are the rules of love? why do we even have to have any?? who made them up? cause who evver it was i want to sit and talk to them and discuss why i cant love both y i cant be with both.
when my heart stops beating i often times wonder which guy will speak great things about me?!
ugh!
tiff,
i think this is the first time in my life where im caught in between to loves and i cant decide where i wanna go.
i know in my last blog i said that u could only love one person but i mean, one i really loved b4 i even met my sons father. and there is my sons father.
the pros and cons about both guys is that with O he has his career set, money to make it, loves me a lot, but then the cons of him is that he loves me to much, where im his everything andd juss like sheree from real housewives of ATL says "i dont want to be anyones everything." and thats sooo tru! my life revolves around my son soo if i dont show him an ounce of lovin or affection then that can get in the way. he loves me soo much hes gonna move back to california and i dont know quite yet if im ready for that. BUT I DO LOVE HIM A WHOLE LOT. and everything that i have told him b4 this blog i meant every word.
the pro about D is that, hes very ambitious, has alot of goals, funny and very entertaing. loves his son, but i dont know about me. he says he does but then again ppl will say anything to get into the sack wit u right? i love this man more than my heart can keep pumpin blood. and that bad con is that he juss really doesnt see it. IM NOT HIS EVERYTHING. he told me that other night that he rather fucks wit me b4 anyone and im like why fucks wit anyone at all then? y fucks wit me and go straight to that other broad? especially when u know im weak and i'll give it to u whenever u need it. i know that down grading myself but im juss keeping it real with myself. i get so upset with him and im strong enough to cut him out of my life for like a few days maybe a week or two but then hes rt back calling me again and makin me laugh. he doesnt have his priorites straight but he needs to know that a family for our son is wats really needed. and that im ready and willing to be there for him when he needs it. ugh!
WHEN I CANT GET ENOUGH.
what are the rules of love? why do we even have to have any?? who made them up? cause who evver it was i want to sit and talk to them and discuss why i cant love both y i cant be with both.
when my heart stops beating i often times wonder which guy will speak great things about me?!
ugh!
tiff,
Friday, January 9, 2009
when i loved again...
out of the fire comes sunshine.
these past few days have been the most stressful days ive ever endored.
with my sons father, not being able to find a job, tryna live comfortable with me and my baby.
a few days b4 all this stress started to over shadow my life i started to talk to my ex lover once again.
when we ended me and him were not on good terms, we were young and scared to love.
i tried my hardest to love another (my sons father) butits true what they say.
u only love once and u only love one person.
hes my other half.
im crazy, hes mellow, im loud, hes quiet, i would say that we are total opposites.
but we enjoy eachothers company.
i honestly think that if he wasent in my life rt now i would lose my mind when i talk to my sons father.
do u think that God placed him back in my life for a reason??
cause it really started all around the same time.
he came back in my life and my sons father started to trip.
hes given me soo much advice on how to talk to my sons father and even tho he doesnt have any kids hes juss given me gd advice from a mans point of view.
stuff i prolly wouldnt care about and really would look over cause i dont give a crap.
when we talk, he respects me and makes sure that im doin good b4 anything.
he tells me all the stuff i want to hear without me having to tell him or hint to it.
i appreciate him as a man bc knowing that my sons father is not in our lives and not taking care of what he needs to be taking care of, hes there to help me and support me.
i can honestly say that i love him.
things change when u been drug thru the dirt.
tiff
these past few days have been the most stressful days ive ever endored.
with my sons father, not being able to find a job, tryna live comfortable with me and my baby.
a few days b4 all this stress started to over shadow my life i started to talk to my ex lover once again.
when we ended me and him were not on good terms, we were young and scared to love.
i tried my hardest to love another (my sons father) butits true what they say.
u only love once and u only love one person.
hes my other half.
im crazy, hes mellow, im loud, hes quiet, i would say that we are total opposites.
but we enjoy eachothers company.
i honestly think that if he wasent in my life rt now i would lose my mind when i talk to my sons father.
do u think that God placed him back in my life for a reason??
cause it really started all around the same time.
he came back in my life and my sons father started to trip.
hes given me soo much advice on how to talk to my sons father and even tho he doesnt have any kids hes juss given me gd advice from a mans point of view.
stuff i prolly wouldnt care about and really would look over cause i dont give a crap.
when we talk, he respects me and makes sure that im doin good b4 anything.
he tells me all the stuff i want to hear without me having to tell him or hint to it.
i appreciate him as a man bc knowing that my sons father is not in our lives and not taking care of what he needs to be taking care of, hes there to help me and support me.
i can honestly say that i love him.
things change when u been drug thru the dirt.
tiff
2 days of hell...when will it ever end?
Today as i sit on my phone and read the text messages from me and my sons father, a lil part of me really feels bad for my son.
cause its like he didnt ask to be here, he didnt ask to take up space and make everything i do now about him.
so when i see myself texting him and goin off then i start to want to text him back and apoligize, but i feel like if i didnt talk to him like that then he wouldnt hear me!
i tried to cut him out of our lives all together but as a parent i want my son to be able to know both his parents even if were not together.
growing up for me i got to see my dad but the older i got then the less i saw him and now at 22 i dont see him at all anymore. he hasent even seen my son (his grandson).
yesturday was really not a good dy for me. i had to face the reality that im not working and that i have no income and that of the same as my sons father, hes not working and he doesnt have any income coming in either! sooo the first thing that pops into my head is "OMG my son has two loser ass parents!" two parents that are not able to provide for their child!
ive always been the one to love pretty hard. but when u tell me that u love me and i say it back to u then i take that pretty personal.
i feel soo let down by my sons father that its a complete dissappointment. u talk about when love hurts! and while he was ignoring me and continueing to treat me like i shit i was still there too be there to talk to him. even tho i didnt have a car and i couldnt get to him he never realized juss how much i was there! and how much i needed him juss a lil bit more than he needed me!
i kinda put all of me out there only for him to rip out what was left of my heart and stomp on it.
i sit here day n and day out takin care of our son and i cant even get any help with him or shit a thank you, or a show of appreciation. my life stinks right now! im a mother with no income with a dead beat of a baby daddy! im tryna do thangs with my life soo i can make a better life for my son. but when u push things aside to help protect someone elses feelings u lose site of how u really feel and u start to bottle stuff in.
well, yesturday i couldnt hold it in, i couldnt sit and wait for him to act rt soo i gave him a lil motivation to get his self together not only for him self but for his son! life for him stinks too but hes sooo behind this wall he built up that he doesnt realize that im here for him in any way imaginable, anywy he needs me but hes sooo materalistic and selfish that if its not his way it literally is the highway until he wants to use you again. thats not right! especially when were both struggling. u would think there would be some type of compromise some type of middle ground. ugh! my frustration is slowly turnin into stress...and this is not how i wanted to bring in 09 it must end TODAY!
well g nite blog world, my eyes must be my navigation to dream city
tiff
cause its like he didnt ask to be here, he didnt ask to take up space and make everything i do now about him.
so when i see myself texting him and goin off then i start to want to text him back and apoligize, but i feel like if i didnt talk to him like that then he wouldnt hear me!
i tried to cut him out of our lives all together but as a parent i want my son to be able to know both his parents even if were not together.
growing up for me i got to see my dad but the older i got then the less i saw him and now at 22 i dont see him at all anymore. he hasent even seen my son (his grandson).
yesturday was really not a good dy for me. i had to face the reality that im not working and that i have no income and that of the same as my sons father, hes not working and he doesnt have any income coming in either! sooo the first thing that pops into my head is "OMG my son has two loser ass parents!" two parents that are not able to provide for their child!
ive always been the one to love pretty hard. but when u tell me that u love me and i say it back to u then i take that pretty personal.
i feel soo let down by my sons father that its a complete dissappointment. u talk about when love hurts! and while he was ignoring me and continueing to treat me like i shit i was still there too be there to talk to him. even tho i didnt have a car and i couldnt get to him he never realized juss how much i was there! and how much i needed him juss a lil bit more than he needed me!
i kinda put all of me out there only for him to rip out what was left of my heart and stomp on it.
i sit here day n and day out takin care of our son and i cant even get any help with him or shit a thank you, or a show of appreciation. my life stinks right now! im a mother with no income with a dead beat of a baby daddy! im tryna do thangs with my life soo i can make a better life for my son. but when u push things aside to help protect someone elses feelings u lose site of how u really feel and u start to bottle stuff in.
well, yesturday i couldnt hold it in, i couldnt sit and wait for him to act rt soo i gave him a lil motivation to get his self together not only for him self but for his son! life for him stinks too but hes sooo behind this wall he built up that he doesnt realize that im here for him in any way imaginable, anywy he needs me but hes sooo materalistic and selfish that if its not his way it literally is the highway until he wants to use you again. thats not right! especially when were both struggling. u would think there would be some type of compromise some type of middle ground. ugh! my frustration is slowly turnin into stress...and this is not how i wanted to bring in 09 it must end TODAY!
well g nite blog world, my eyes must be my navigation to dream city
tiff
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Hardest thing i've ever had to do...
soo today i had to do tha hardest thing:
today i had to give my sons father an altimatum either he wants to be apart or he doesnt
am i wrong? did i over step my boundries as a parent?
honestly i was thinkin of the well being of my child. i personally had to endure pain of my father jumping in and out of my life. so why would i want my own seed to go thru the same??
i love jays father with all my heart but when u find someone else that will cherish u and love u for u no matter how much weight u gain then its kinda hard to go back and love someone that really didnt love u in the first place.
i stayed up when he needed to chat. then when im pregnant wit his son then hes no where to found. my emotions are alll screwed up. my life without my baby is pretty much no life at all.
i gave away my heart to a guy that sold me false hopes and dreams. who ripped my heart out and threw it away. i stayed by him thru majority of all his ish, along side him when he was still treatin me like shit. my heart really wanted to leave but my feet wouldnt budge.
so overall its my fault??
i juss couldnt resist him and now im in a delima where i have to deal with him for a lifetime!
do you think it will change for me??
do u think i could ever love again??
my feelings are soo hurt that my tears are even dried up i really cant cry anymore.
going thru with my pregnancy was the best choice i could have ever made.
ugh!
soo many frustrations i need a damn cigerette
tiff,
today i had to give my sons father an altimatum either he wants to be apart or he doesnt
am i wrong? did i over step my boundries as a parent?
honestly i was thinkin of the well being of my child. i personally had to endure pain of my father jumping in and out of my life. so why would i want my own seed to go thru the same??
i love jays father with all my heart but when u find someone else that will cherish u and love u for u no matter how much weight u gain then its kinda hard to go back and love someone that really didnt love u in the first place.
i stayed up when he needed to chat. then when im pregnant wit his son then hes no where to found. my emotions are alll screwed up. my life without my baby is pretty much no life at all.
i gave away my heart to a guy that sold me false hopes and dreams. who ripped my heart out and threw it away. i stayed by him thru majority of all his ish, along side him when he was still treatin me like shit. my heart really wanted to leave but my feet wouldnt budge.
so overall its my fault??
i juss couldnt resist him and now im in a delima where i have to deal with him for a lifetime!
do you think it will change for me??
do u think i could ever love again??
my feelings are soo hurt that my tears are even dried up i really cant cry anymore.
going thru with my pregnancy was the best choice i could have ever made.
ugh!
soo many frustrations i need a damn cigerette
tiff,
Monday, January 5, 2009
My son Jaylen
7 weeks ago my wonderful son jaylen came in the world, came in at 7lbz 15oz and 19 inches. I think that had to have been the happiest moment of my life. Even tho i was soo anti-kids b4 i got pregnant, im juss sooo damn happy that i have one of my own.
when i found out i was expecting i knew that day my life would change forever! it was soo many emotions that rushed on me all at once. u know what the hardest thing to do after finding that ur expecting a baby?? telling the two main influencial ppl that ur gonna have a baby! tellin jays dad had of been the hardest thing i could have ever done! i mean we wasent even messin wit eachother that long for me to even been pregnant (soo naiive)! sooo when i told him it wasent the best reaction i could have gotten out of him. i mean his life is fent to change as well as mine...i mean mine more than his but still his life wont be the same! Anyways he wanted me to get rid of it and i really couldnt do that since abortions are not glorified in my religion. I support life no matter if it was planned or not! i couldnt go back on my religous stance and kill something God himself blessed me to have especially when theres women out there that can not even have babies...sooo i decided that we should put him up for adoption...he hated that idea! His response to me was that "if i was to have a baby i would want to see him and i wouldnt want anyone else to raise my child." So if i couldnt get the abortion and he didnt want to put him up for adoption then the only route thats left on this road was to raise our baby.
i made the decision to make sure that my son will never see me cry over a man or over something that isnt worth me crying over...his father is my heart and my world but im the type of female that needs to be treated juss like how he wanted to be treated! But since i was pregnant i couldnt really get anything out of him, no answers on how he felt about me havin the baby or me in general! sooo we stopped talkin and the first 5 months of my pregnancy i didnt hear from him AT ALL!! i think that was somethin that really broke me! he claimed he loved me and now i cant even get in contact wit him...finally around my 6th month i got in contact wit him. looked like he was tryin to get his head together but not really...lol
to have a baby alone is a horrible feeling...
anyways im finally at my ninth month and im super anxious to have my son in my arms...the da b4 he was due i wasent havin any contractions and that concerned me but shit that early morning of the 14th of nov. my contractions hit me soo hard! i went in to the hospital around 3am and he was born at 9:42am..i had about a 6, almost 7 hr labor...and only did about 4 or 5 pushes...and my son was in my arms! i couldnt cry cause it was soo many emotions all a once but trust me i was sooo happy!
soo now @ 2 weeks later hes the sweetest baby and im not juss sayin that cause hes mine but because he really is the sweetest baby i ever met! i love him wit all my body and soul and i promised him that i would do everything in my power to make him happy!
as far as his daddy..we dont know what hes thinkin about rt now!!
when i found out i was expecting i knew that day my life would change forever! it was soo many emotions that rushed on me all at once. u know what the hardest thing to do after finding that ur expecting a baby?? telling the two main influencial ppl that ur gonna have a baby! tellin jays dad had of been the hardest thing i could have ever done! i mean we wasent even messin wit eachother that long for me to even been pregnant (soo naiive)! sooo when i told him it wasent the best reaction i could have gotten out of him. i mean his life is fent to change as well as mine...i mean mine more than his but still his life wont be the same! Anyways he wanted me to get rid of it and i really couldnt do that since abortions are not glorified in my religion. I support life no matter if it was planned or not! i couldnt go back on my religous stance and kill something God himself blessed me to have especially when theres women out there that can not even have babies...sooo i decided that we should put him up for adoption...he hated that idea! His response to me was that "if i was to have a baby i would want to see him and i wouldnt want anyone else to raise my child." So if i couldnt get the abortion and he didnt want to put him up for adoption then the only route thats left on this road was to raise our baby.
i made the decision to make sure that my son will never see me cry over a man or over something that isnt worth me crying over...his father is my heart and my world but im the type of female that needs to be treated juss like how he wanted to be treated! But since i was pregnant i couldnt really get anything out of him, no answers on how he felt about me havin the baby or me in general! sooo we stopped talkin and the first 5 months of my pregnancy i didnt hear from him AT ALL!! i think that was somethin that really broke me! he claimed he loved me and now i cant even get in contact wit him...finally around my 6th month i got in contact wit him. looked like he was tryin to get his head together but not really...lol
to have a baby alone is a horrible feeling...
anyways im finally at my ninth month and im super anxious to have my son in my arms...the da b4 he was due i wasent havin any contractions and that concerned me but shit that early morning of the 14th of nov. my contractions hit me soo hard! i went in to the hospital around 3am and he was born at 9:42am..i had about a 6, almost 7 hr labor...and only did about 4 or 5 pushes...and my son was in my arms! i couldnt cry cause it was soo many emotions all a once but trust me i was sooo happy!
soo now @ 2 weeks later hes the sweetest baby and im not juss sayin that cause hes mine but because he really is the sweetest baby i ever met! i love him wit all my body and soul and i promised him that i would do everything in my power to make him happy!
as far as his daddy..we dont know what hes thinkin about rt now!!
A new year, new mommy, new me!!!!!
In my whole lifetime i never would have thought that i would birth a child at 22 yrs old. There was a point in my life where i was soo anti-kids, where motherhood was out of the question even when i got older. But on November 14th, 2008 I birthed one of the sweetest human beings in the world! My son Jaylen who is now my motivation to accomplish a whole lot more in life, who is now my rock and keeps me grounded... at only 2 weeks from posting this blog he has changed and matured me. I've done and said things that i prolly wouldnt have said or done if he wasent in this world. u talk about unspeakable joy? i cant even express the way i feel rt now! ive done soo much in my young and immature life that i could never even think about doin in my mature and motherhood life! i cherish him in ever way imaginable! goin on my ninth month ive gotten sooo anxious bc at the time me and my homegirl was pregnant at the same time, her baby was due Oct 21 and Jay was due nov 14 after her son came out there was only a few more weeks til jay came out and i was sooo anxious and ready for him to come out! i actually got a lil jealous cause i really really reallly wanted him here! nov 13th came and i actually had no contractions the whole day, which worried me. but in the early mornings of nov 14 my son was ready to come out and share the wonders of his beauty wit the world!! i couldnt have been more amp'd at that particular moment! well... until my contractions hit...lol...i went thru 6 hrs of labor and only about 5 or 6 pushes. he was here at 9:42am that morning weighting at only 7lbs 15oz and was 19inches! i couldnt believe it at this point! and now when i look at him i really cant believe that he came out of me! that this lil angel came out of me and needs only me to go to sleep and eat and chage his diaper! that this lil guy only depends on me to makehis tummy from stop hurting and to make him laugh and feel happy!!! i juss love the fact that i use to be sooo anti-kids and now im a mom and he loves everything i do for him
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