Today as i sit on my phone and read the text messages from me and my sons father, a lil part of me really feels bad for my son.
cause its like he didnt ask to be here, he didnt ask to take up space and make everything i do now about him.
so when i see myself texting him and goin off then i start to want to text him back and apoligize, but i feel like if i didnt talk to him like that then he wouldnt hear me!
i tried to cut him out of our lives all together but as a parent i want my son to be able to know both his parents even if were not together.
growing up for me i got to see my dad but the older i got then the less i saw him and now at 22 i dont see him at all anymore. he hasent even seen my son (his grandson).
yesturday was really not a good dy for me. i had to face the reality that im not working and that i have no income and that of the same as my sons father, hes not working and he doesnt have any income coming in either! sooo the first thing that pops into my head is "OMG my son has two loser ass parents!" two parents that are not able to provide for their child!
ive always been the one to love pretty hard. but when u tell me that u love me and i say it back to u then i take that pretty personal.
i feel soo let down by my sons father that its a complete dissappointment. u talk about when love hurts! and while he was ignoring me and continueing to treat me like i shit i was still there too be there to talk to him. even tho i didnt have a car and i couldnt get to him he never realized juss how much i was there! and how much i needed him juss a lil bit more than he needed me!
i kinda put all of me out there only for him to rip out what was left of my heart and stomp on it.
i sit here day n and day out takin care of our son and i cant even get any help with him or shit a thank you, or a show of appreciation. my life stinks right now! im a mother with no income with a dead beat of a baby daddy! im tryna do thangs with my life soo i can make a better life for my son. but when u push things aside to help protect someone elses feelings u lose site of how u really feel and u start to bottle stuff in.
well, yesturday i couldnt hold it in, i couldnt sit and wait for him to act rt soo i gave him a lil motivation to get his self together not only for him self but for his son! life for him stinks too but hes sooo behind this wall he built up that he doesnt realize that im here for him in any way imaginable, anywy he needs me but hes sooo materalistic and selfish that if its not his way it literally is the highway until he wants to use you again. thats not right! especially when were both struggling. u would think there would be some type of compromise some type of middle ground. ugh! my frustration is slowly turnin into stress...and this is not how i wanted to bring in 09 it must end TODAY!
well g nite blog world, my eyes must be my navigation to dream city
tiff
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