The day my nightmare turned intO reality.

U knO there's a time in ur life where u juss can't take the same Ol same Ol anymOre. Where u juss wanna hear and see sOme difference.

Well april 2nd was the day. I Opened the stOre as Offical keyhOlder. I felt truely blessed that they wOuld even ask an african american like me. @ that time I thOught the next step in my future is tOo file fOr child suppOrt sOo On april 8th I did juss that. Physically It was the hardest thing fOr me but mentally I knew I was gOnna dO it. And even thO me and derek are friends, the main cOncern is the well-being Of Our sOn. And I clearly can't dO it On my Own [I've tried] he tells me he's leavin fOr the air fOrce after his birthday but a lil part Of me feels that he's lie'n. I mean if u can vanish fOr 5 1/2 mOnths with nO update On ur where abOuts while sOmeOne is pregnant wit ur child, Or if u ask them if there's sOmeOne else and they tell u NO and the u find Out that while he was gOne fOr the 5 1/2 mOnths he was fuckin sOmeOne else the same time he was fuckin u. Yeh, I don't think u wOuld believe them either.

This situatiOn wOuld be sOo different if he wanted tO be wit me but its clear that he doesn't and that's fine. I'm nOt gOnna chase after anyOne anymOre. SOo imma juss chase after what I knOw is rt fOr my sOn. I mean I'm sOo brOke I can barely buy my sOn his diapers and wipes. SmH. And that breaks me everytime. SOo he thinks that he can cOme dOwn here whenever he wants and visits his sOn, while I'm stugglin and wOrkin massively hard tOo survive. That shit breaks me. I hOnestly feel is nOt fair. SOoo On april 8th after I filed fOr CS I went ahead and text'd him and tOld him tO cancel his trip dOwn here cause I wasent in the mOod tOo see him be happy while I'm nOt!. My sOn is my life. My sOn is my wOrld. Next tO GOd he's the air I breath and the reasOn I wOrk as hard as I dO. If sOmeOne jepOrdizes the fOod that cOmes Out my sOns mOuth then I have tO take actiOns accOrdingly.

Filing fOr child suppOrt was nOt in my ultimate plan. But if u have givin sOmeOne 5 1/2 mOnths b4 the birth and 5 mOnths after the birth fOr them tOo get their act tOgether and they hadent yet. WHAT'S LEFT FOR U TO DO?? I try tO be cOrgial but I'm nOt gOnna lie tha fact that he was fuckin sOmeOne else while fuckin me fuckin brOke my heart! LOve is a very bad drug and I'm n rehab. My heart has be ripped tO streads by him. I mean think abOut it. He really wasent there @ ALL durning my pregnancy. He aint helpin me wit Our kid. And I mean if I can't feel any lOwer I see pictures Of them tOgether all Over myspace.

SmH
There's a thin line between lOve and hate. And I'm walkin that line tOwards hate. I've never been sOo pissed Off at anyOne like this. I stay in my zOne and that's it. The desire fOr his sOn tO be well taken care Of shOuld be his main strive tO grind juss as hard as I am. But if it was juss them twO On an island and there was Only One cOcanut left that nigga wOuld eat it first b4 even Offering his sOn any. And that's a damn shame! I don't eat sOme nights juss tOo save my cash. I KEEP SAYIN IN MY MIND he's changed and things will get better. But this muthafucca den gOt cOmfOrtable where he's @. Gettin what he wants when he wants it. Well guess what I'm NOt that type Of chick I have tO wOrk fOr everything I don't have and that's the type Of man jay will be. SOmeOne that won't depend On everyOne and hustle and grind tO get what he wants. He won't and will nOt be a spOiled brat! I refuse!!