Man, January 20th, 2009 was the best day of my life next to me birthing my son.
ive never watched that much television in aday ever like how i did on the 2oth of jan. i didnt want to miss anything. and the lovely thing is Cnn got all of he footage so i couldnt miss anything.
it feels good to know that i was around to witness history being made. and that my son was born into the history as well. no matter how much ish i went thru in 08 it didnt matter anymore cause 09 was gonna be sooo much different. Obama speaks about "change" and i really believe that this time is goin to be different and there will be a dramatic wave of change. i mean our 44th president is a black man from chi-town. the change has already started.
i feel like the fight my ancestors fought 25 odd years ago. that battle is now over and WE won. we marched to the tallest mountain and we lost some ppl on the way but damnit majority of us is still good, andd we made it to the top. WE MADE IT TO THE TOP YALL. i feel motivated to really get back into school, to reach my highest potential to get to where i deserve to be. we finally have something to tell our kids when they get older that i stood in line for more than a hour, nad took my ballet and marked my ballet for Obama/Biden, and for the first time in my new 09 life i felt accomplished. i felt complete. like this was goin to be that step to make it rt for me and my child. since im a single mother i have to work twiceas hard juss soo i can prove to all the judgementals in my life that i can make it happen if i juss put my focus into it. and since my child is my main focus i know that i need to get on my grind harder than most.
Obama has given me that motivation to wait and anticipate the change. to juss be patience with him while he works it out. and i mean i cant argue with that, soo if i really want it to be rt i need to back my Prez up and roll with the punches. "i know theres a lite at the end of that tonell."
my heart is filled wit music and energy, and now the new addition Completion.
Friday, January 30, 2009
you maybe young but your ready . . .
OMG YALL!!!
ya girl is back inlove. uuuggghhh!! i never thought it would have happend. and since im like head over hills for this guy, the song "you maybe young but your ready" keeps playing over and over in my head. ha! ive never been soo happy in my whole life time. is weird but i thought that i would only love my son's father but its clear to me that my happyness lies in the love i have now.
with him i can fly away and juss be me. he doesnt judge me cause the real me is who he's in love with. he doesnt ask me to change who i am which is the best mother i can be. he fell in love with my heart first then the rest of me.
the great thing is he accepts the fact that i have a baby and he welcomes me with open arms.
is it sad to say that i love him?? i hope not, cause im really leaning towards it.
ugh! this brings me great joy and hope for happyiness in the end.
ya girl is back inlove. uuuggghhh!! i never thought it would have happend. and since im like head over hills for this guy, the song "you maybe young but your ready" keeps playing over and over in my head. ha! ive never been soo happy in my whole life time. is weird but i thought that i would only love my son's father but its clear to me that my happyness lies in the love i have now.
with him i can fly away and juss be me. he doesnt judge me cause the real me is who he's in love with. he doesnt ask me to change who i am which is the best mother i can be. he fell in love with my heart first then the rest of me.
the great thing is he accepts the fact that i have a baby and he welcomes me with open arms.
is it sad to say that i love him?? i hope not, cause im really leaning towards it.
ugh! this brings me great joy and hope for happyiness in the end.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
when I cant get enough.
Ugh, why does love have to hurt so bad?
i think this is the first time in my life where im caught in between to loves and i cant decide where i wanna go.
i know in my last blog i said that u could only love one person but i mean, one i really loved b4 i even met my sons father. and there is my sons father.
the pros and cons about both guys is that with O he has his career set, money to make it, loves me a lot, but then the cons of him is that he loves me to much, where im his everything andd juss like sheree from real housewives of ATL says "i dont want to be anyones everything." and thats sooo tru! my life revolves around my son soo if i dont show him an ounce of lovin or affection then that can get in the way. he loves me soo much hes gonna move back to california and i dont know quite yet if im ready for that. BUT I DO LOVE HIM A WHOLE LOT. and everything that i have told him b4 this blog i meant every word.
the pro about D is that, hes very ambitious, has alot of goals, funny and very entertaing. loves his son, but i dont know about me. he says he does but then again ppl will say anything to get into the sack wit u right? i love this man more than my heart can keep pumpin blood. and that bad con is that he juss really doesnt see it. IM NOT HIS EVERYTHING. he told me that other night that he rather fucks wit me b4 anyone and im like why fucks wit anyone at all then? y fucks wit me and go straight to that other broad? especially when u know im weak and i'll give it to u whenever u need it. i know that down grading myself but im juss keeping it real with myself. i get so upset with him and im strong enough to cut him out of my life for like a few days maybe a week or two but then hes rt back calling me again and makin me laugh. he doesnt have his priorites straight but he needs to know that a family for our son is wats really needed. and that im ready and willing to be there for him when he needs it. ugh!
WHEN I CANT GET ENOUGH.
what are the rules of love? why do we even have to have any?? who made them up? cause who evver it was i want to sit and talk to them and discuss why i cant love both y i cant be with both.
when my heart stops beating i often times wonder which guy will speak great things about me?!
ugh!
tiff,
i think this is the first time in my life where im caught in between to loves and i cant decide where i wanna go.
i know in my last blog i said that u could only love one person but i mean, one i really loved b4 i even met my sons father. and there is my sons father.
the pros and cons about both guys is that with O he has his career set, money to make it, loves me a lot, but then the cons of him is that he loves me to much, where im his everything andd juss like sheree from real housewives of ATL says "i dont want to be anyones everything." and thats sooo tru! my life revolves around my son soo if i dont show him an ounce of lovin or affection then that can get in the way. he loves me soo much hes gonna move back to california and i dont know quite yet if im ready for that. BUT I DO LOVE HIM A WHOLE LOT. and everything that i have told him b4 this blog i meant every word.
the pro about D is that, hes very ambitious, has alot of goals, funny and very entertaing. loves his son, but i dont know about me. he says he does but then again ppl will say anything to get into the sack wit u right? i love this man more than my heart can keep pumpin blood. and that bad con is that he juss really doesnt see it. IM NOT HIS EVERYTHING. he told me that other night that he rather fucks wit me b4 anyone and im like why fucks wit anyone at all then? y fucks wit me and go straight to that other broad? especially when u know im weak and i'll give it to u whenever u need it. i know that down grading myself but im juss keeping it real with myself. i get so upset with him and im strong enough to cut him out of my life for like a few days maybe a week or two but then hes rt back calling me again and makin me laugh. he doesnt have his priorites straight but he needs to know that a family for our son is wats really needed. and that im ready and willing to be there for him when he needs it. ugh!
WHEN I CANT GET ENOUGH.
what are the rules of love? why do we even have to have any?? who made them up? cause who evver it was i want to sit and talk to them and discuss why i cant love both y i cant be with both.
when my heart stops beating i often times wonder which guy will speak great things about me?!
ugh!
tiff,
Friday, January 9, 2009
when i loved again...
out of the fire comes sunshine.
these past few days have been the most stressful days ive ever endored.
with my sons father, not being able to find a job, tryna live comfortable with me and my baby.
a few days b4 all this stress started to over shadow my life i started to talk to my ex lover once again.
when we ended me and him were not on good terms, we were young and scared to love.
i tried my hardest to love another (my sons father) butits true what they say.
u only love once and u only love one person.
hes my other half.
im crazy, hes mellow, im loud, hes quiet, i would say that we are total opposites.
but we enjoy eachothers company.
i honestly think that if he wasent in my life rt now i would lose my mind when i talk to my sons father.
do u think that God placed him back in my life for a reason??
cause it really started all around the same time.
he came back in my life and my sons father started to trip.
hes given me soo much advice on how to talk to my sons father and even tho he doesnt have any kids hes juss given me gd advice from a mans point of view.
stuff i prolly wouldnt care about and really would look over cause i dont give a crap.
when we talk, he respects me and makes sure that im doin good b4 anything.
he tells me all the stuff i want to hear without me having to tell him or hint to it.
i appreciate him as a man bc knowing that my sons father is not in our lives and not taking care of what he needs to be taking care of, hes there to help me and support me.
i can honestly say that i love him.
things change when u been drug thru the dirt.
tiff
these past few days have been the most stressful days ive ever endored.
with my sons father, not being able to find a job, tryna live comfortable with me and my baby.
a few days b4 all this stress started to over shadow my life i started to talk to my ex lover once again.
when we ended me and him were not on good terms, we were young and scared to love.
i tried my hardest to love another (my sons father) butits true what they say.
u only love once and u only love one person.
hes my other half.
im crazy, hes mellow, im loud, hes quiet, i would say that we are total opposites.
but we enjoy eachothers company.
i honestly think that if he wasent in my life rt now i would lose my mind when i talk to my sons father.
do u think that God placed him back in my life for a reason??
cause it really started all around the same time.
he came back in my life and my sons father started to trip.
hes given me soo much advice on how to talk to my sons father and even tho he doesnt have any kids hes juss given me gd advice from a mans point of view.
stuff i prolly wouldnt care about and really would look over cause i dont give a crap.
when we talk, he respects me and makes sure that im doin good b4 anything.
he tells me all the stuff i want to hear without me having to tell him or hint to it.
i appreciate him as a man bc knowing that my sons father is not in our lives and not taking care of what he needs to be taking care of, hes there to help me and support me.
i can honestly say that i love him.
things change when u been drug thru the dirt.
tiff
2 days of hell...when will it ever end?
Today as i sit on my phone and read the text messages from me and my sons father, a lil part of me really feels bad for my son.
cause its like he didnt ask to be here, he didnt ask to take up space and make everything i do now about him.
so when i see myself texting him and goin off then i start to want to text him back and apoligize, but i feel like if i didnt talk to him like that then he wouldnt hear me!
i tried to cut him out of our lives all together but as a parent i want my son to be able to know both his parents even if were not together.
growing up for me i got to see my dad but the older i got then the less i saw him and now at 22 i dont see him at all anymore. he hasent even seen my son (his grandson).
yesturday was really not a good dy for me. i had to face the reality that im not working and that i have no income and that of the same as my sons father, hes not working and he doesnt have any income coming in either! sooo the first thing that pops into my head is "OMG my son has two loser ass parents!" two parents that are not able to provide for their child!
ive always been the one to love pretty hard. but when u tell me that u love me and i say it back to u then i take that pretty personal.
i feel soo let down by my sons father that its a complete dissappointment. u talk about when love hurts! and while he was ignoring me and continueing to treat me like i shit i was still there too be there to talk to him. even tho i didnt have a car and i couldnt get to him he never realized juss how much i was there! and how much i needed him juss a lil bit more than he needed me!
i kinda put all of me out there only for him to rip out what was left of my heart and stomp on it.
i sit here day n and day out takin care of our son and i cant even get any help with him or shit a thank you, or a show of appreciation. my life stinks right now! im a mother with no income with a dead beat of a baby daddy! im tryna do thangs with my life soo i can make a better life for my son. but when u push things aside to help protect someone elses feelings u lose site of how u really feel and u start to bottle stuff in.
well, yesturday i couldnt hold it in, i couldnt sit and wait for him to act rt soo i gave him a lil motivation to get his self together not only for him self but for his son! life for him stinks too but hes sooo behind this wall he built up that he doesnt realize that im here for him in any way imaginable, anywy he needs me but hes sooo materalistic and selfish that if its not his way it literally is the highway until he wants to use you again. thats not right! especially when were both struggling. u would think there would be some type of compromise some type of middle ground. ugh! my frustration is slowly turnin into stress...and this is not how i wanted to bring in 09 it must end TODAY!
well g nite blog world, my eyes must be my navigation to dream city
tiff
cause its like he didnt ask to be here, he didnt ask to take up space and make everything i do now about him.
so when i see myself texting him and goin off then i start to want to text him back and apoligize, but i feel like if i didnt talk to him like that then he wouldnt hear me!
i tried to cut him out of our lives all together but as a parent i want my son to be able to know both his parents even if were not together.
growing up for me i got to see my dad but the older i got then the less i saw him and now at 22 i dont see him at all anymore. he hasent even seen my son (his grandson).
yesturday was really not a good dy for me. i had to face the reality that im not working and that i have no income and that of the same as my sons father, hes not working and he doesnt have any income coming in either! sooo the first thing that pops into my head is "OMG my son has two loser ass parents!" two parents that are not able to provide for their child!
ive always been the one to love pretty hard. but when u tell me that u love me and i say it back to u then i take that pretty personal.
i feel soo let down by my sons father that its a complete dissappointment. u talk about when love hurts! and while he was ignoring me and continueing to treat me like i shit i was still there too be there to talk to him. even tho i didnt have a car and i couldnt get to him he never realized juss how much i was there! and how much i needed him juss a lil bit more than he needed me!
i kinda put all of me out there only for him to rip out what was left of my heart and stomp on it.
i sit here day n and day out takin care of our son and i cant even get any help with him or shit a thank you, or a show of appreciation. my life stinks right now! im a mother with no income with a dead beat of a baby daddy! im tryna do thangs with my life soo i can make a better life for my son. but when u push things aside to help protect someone elses feelings u lose site of how u really feel and u start to bottle stuff in.
well, yesturday i couldnt hold it in, i couldnt sit and wait for him to act rt soo i gave him a lil motivation to get his self together not only for him self but for his son! life for him stinks too but hes sooo behind this wall he built up that he doesnt realize that im here for him in any way imaginable, anywy he needs me but hes sooo materalistic and selfish that if its not his way it literally is the highway until he wants to use you again. thats not right! especially when were both struggling. u would think there would be some type of compromise some type of middle ground. ugh! my frustration is slowly turnin into stress...and this is not how i wanted to bring in 09 it must end TODAY!
well g nite blog world, my eyes must be my navigation to dream city
tiff
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Hardest thing i've ever had to do...
soo today i had to do tha hardest thing:
today i had to give my sons father an altimatum either he wants to be apart or he doesnt
am i wrong? did i over step my boundries as a parent?
honestly i was thinkin of the well being of my child. i personally had to endure pain of my father jumping in and out of my life. so why would i want my own seed to go thru the same??
i love jays father with all my heart but when u find someone else that will cherish u and love u for u no matter how much weight u gain then its kinda hard to go back and love someone that really didnt love u in the first place.
i stayed up when he needed to chat. then when im pregnant wit his son then hes no where to found. my emotions are alll screwed up. my life without my baby is pretty much no life at all.
i gave away my heart to a guy that sold me false hopes and dreams. who ripped my heart out and threw it away. i stayed by him thru majority of all his ish, along side him when he was still treatin me like shit. my heart really wanted to leave but my feet wouldnt budge.
so overall its my fault??
i juss couldnt resist him and now im in a delima where i have to deal with him for a lifetime!
do you think it will change for me??
do u think i could ever love again??
my feelings are soo hurt that my tears are even dried up i really cant cry anymore.
going thru with my pregnancy was the best choice i could have ever made.
ugh!
soo many frustrations i need a damn cigerette
tiff,
today i had to give my sons father an altimatum either he wants to be apart or he doesnt
am i wrong? did i over step my boundries as a parent?
honestly i was thinkin of the well being of my child. i personally had to endure pain of my father jumping in and out of my life. so why would i want my own seed to go thru the same??
i love jays father with all my heart but when u find someone else that will cherish u and love u for u no matter how much weight u gain then its kinda hard to go back and love someone that really didnt love u in the first place.
i stayed up when he needed to chat. then when im pregnant wit his son then hes no where to found. my emotions are alll screwed up. my life without my baby is pretty much no life at all.
i gave away my heart to a guy that sold me false hopes and dreams. who ripped my heart out and threw it away. i stayed by him thru majority of all his ish, along side him when he was still treatin me like shit. my heart really wanted to leave but my feet wouldnt budge.
so overall its my fault??
i juss couldnt resist him and now im in a delima where i have to deal with him for a lifetime!
do you think it will change for me??
do u think i could ever love again??
my feelings are soo hurt that my tears are even dried up i really cant cry anymore.
going thru with my pregnancy was the best choice i could have ever made.
ugh!
soo many frustrations i need a damn cigerette
tiff,
Monday, January 5, 2009
My son Jaylen
7 weeks ago my wonderful son jaylen came in the world, came in at 7lbz 15oz and 19 inches. I think that had to have been the happiest moment of my life. Even tho i was soo anti-kids b4 i got pregnant, im juss sooo damn happy that i have one of my own.
when i found out i was expecting i knew that day my life would change forever! it was soo many emotions that rushed on me all at once. u know what the hardest thing to do after finding that ur expecting a baby?? telling the two main influencial ppl that ur gonna have a baby! tellin jays dad had of been the hardest thing i could have ever done! i mean we wasent even messin wit eachother that long for me to even been pregnant (soo naiive)! sooo when i told him it wasent the best reaction i could have gotten out of him. i mean his life is fent to change as well as mine...i mean mine more than his but still his life wont be the same! Anyways he wanted me to get rid of it and i really couldnt do that since abortions are not glorified in my religion. I support life no matter if it was planned or not! i couldnt go back on my religous stance and kill something God himself blessed me to have especially when theres women out there that can not even have babies...sooo i decided that we should put him up for adoption...he hated that idea! His response to me was that "if i was to have a baby i would want to see him and i wouldnt want anyone else to raise my child." So if i couldnt get the abortion and he didnt want to put him up for adoption then the only route thats left on this road was to raise our baby.
i made the decision to make sure that my son will never see me cry over a man or over something that isnt worth me crying over...his father is my heart and my world but im the type of female that needs to be treated juss like how he wanted to be treated! But since i was pregnant i couldnt really get anything out of him, no answers on how he felt about me havin the baby or me in general! sooo we stopped talkin and the first 5 months of my pregnancy i didnt hear from him AT ALL!! i think that was somethin that really broke me! he claimed he loved me and now i cant even get in contact wit him...finally around my 6th month i got in contact wit him. looked like he was tryin to get his head together but not really...lol
to have a baby alone is a horrible feeling...
anyways im finally at my ninth month and im super anxious to have my son in my arms...the da b4 he was due i wasent havin any contractions and that concerned me but shit that early morning of the 14th of nov. my contractions hit me soo hard! i went in to the hospital around 3am and he was born at 9:42am..i had about a 6, almost 7 hr labor...and only did about 4 or 5 pushes...and my son was in my arms! i couldnt cry cause it was soo many emotions all a once but trust me i was sooo happy!
soo now @ 2 weeks later hes the sweetest baby and im not juss sayin that cause hes mine but because he really is the sweetest baby i ever met! i love him wit all my body and soul and i promised him that i would do everything in my power to make him happy!
as far as his daddy..we dont know what hes thinkin about rt now!!
when i found out i was expecting i knew that day my life would change forever! it was soo many emotions that rushed on me all at once. u know what the hardest thing to do after finding that ur expecting a baby?? telling the two main influencial ppl that ur gonna have a baby! tellin jays dad had of been the hardest thing i could have ever done! i mean we wasent even messin wit eachother that long for me to even been pregnant (soo naiive)! sooo when i told him it wasent the best reaction i could have gotten out of him. i mean his life is fent to change as well as mine...i mean mine more than his but still his life wont be the same! Anyways he wanted me to get rid of it and i really couldnt do that since abortions are not glorified in my religion. I support life no matter if it was planned or not! i couldnt go back on my religous stance and kill something God himself blessed me to have especially when theres women out there that can not even have babies...sooo i decided that we should put him up for adoption...he hated that idea! His response to me was that "if i was to have a baby i would want to see him and i wouldnt want anyone else to raise my child." So if i couldnt get the abortion and he didnt want to put him up for adoption then the only route thats left on this road was to raise our baby.
i made the decision to make sure that my son will never see me cry over a man or over something that isnt worth me crying over...his father is my heart and my world but im the type of female that needs to be treated juss like how he wanted to be treated! But since i was pregnant i couldnt really get anything out of him, no answers on how he felt about me havin the baby or me in general! sooo we stopped talkin and the first 5 months of my pregnancy i didnt hear from him AT ALL!! i think that was somethin that really broke me! he claimed he loved me and now i cant even get in contact wit him...finally around my 6th month i got in contact wit him. looked like he was tryin to get his head together but not really...lol
to have a baby alone is a horrible feeling...
anyways im finally at my ninth month and im super anxious to have my son in my arms...the da b4 he was due i wasent havin any contractions and that concerned me but shit that early morning of the 14th of nov. my contractions hit me soo hard! i went in to the hospital around 3am and he was born at 9:42am..i had about a 6, almost 7 hr labor...and only did about 4 or 5 pushes...and my son was in my arms! i couldnt cry cause it was soo many emotions all a once but trust me i was sooo happy!
soo now @ 2 weeks later hes the sweetest baby and im not juss sayin that cause hes mine but because he really is the sweetest baby i ever met! i love him wit all my body and soul and i promised him that i would do everything in my power to make him happy!
as far as his daddy..we dont know what hes thinkin about rt now!!
A new year, new mommy, new me!!!!!
In my whole lifetime i never would have thought that i would birth a child at 22 yrs old. There was a point in my life where i was soo anti-kids, where motherhood was out of the question even when i got older. But on November 14th, 2008 I birthed one of the sweetest human beings in the world! My son Jaylen who is now my motivation to accomplish a whole lot more in life, who is now my rock and keeps me grounded... at only 2 weeks from posting this blog he has changed and matured me. I've done and said things that i prolly wouldnt have said or done if he wasent in this world. u talk about unspeakable joy? i cant even express the way i feel rt now! ive done soo much in my young and immature life that i could never even think about doin in my mature and motherhood life! i cherish him in ever way imaginable! goin on my ninth month ive gotten sooo anxious bc at the time me and my homegirl was pregnant at the same time, her baby was due Oct 21 and Jay was due nov 14 after her son came out there was only a few more weeks til jay came out and i was sooo anxious and ready for him to come out! i actually got a lil jealous cause i really really reallly wanted him here! nov 13th came and i actually had no contractions the whole day, which worried me. but in the early mornings of nov 14 my son was ready to come out and share the wonders of his beauty wit the world!! i couldnt have been more amp'd at that particular moment! well... until my contractions hit...lol...i went thru 6 hrs of labor and only about 5 or 6 pushes. he was here at 9:42am that morning weighting at only 7lbs 15oz and was 19inches! i couldnt believe it at this point! and now when i look at him i really cant believe that he came out of me! that this lil angel came out of me and needs only me to go to sleep and eat and chage his diaper! that this lil guy only depends on me to makehis tummy from stop hurting and to make him laugh and feel happy!!! i juss love the fact that i use to be sooo anti-kids and now im a mom and he loves everything i do for him
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